With millions of words left unspoken…

So…my weekend.
Friday: fun. made some awesome stuff. Dorms were in the most ghetto wing in Chaffee Hall, though. gah.
Saturday: way fun. played with plasma cutters and welders and big huge power tools. YAY! Then i came home and went to dinner with my family. that was pretty fun.

So today. I have a really really bad headache. it pretty much sucks. But yeah. fun day.
woke up-watched Sweeny Todd-ate Fathers Day breakfast-went and saw Indiana Jones-went to Roaring Springs-went to dinner at my Grandparents house-dropped off bags at my camp leaders house.

Im actually really upset right now. there is a ton of stuff going on. and most of it i really dont wanna talk about. I was kinda in the mood to write, but now im really not, but i will try to at least give some clue as to whats wrong…

i feel like i am completely messing up everyones lives. I guess i am just to nieve to see that my happiness is hurting other people. and to damn stupid to see where the ‘line’ is. and too oblivious to see when ive crossed that line. So now, im hurting everyone else…

*sigh*

Song of the day:  yeah…my head hurts so bad i cant even think of music.
the day AubreySkye has no music…

[i.l.y]

AubreySkye

Okay, okay. i KNOW. im a terrible terrible person. i havent blogged in a while. Sorry to dissapoint my regulars.

Kinda a bitter sweet day today.
Parts of it good.
parts of it very dissapointing.

to start of my day…
i woke up at 11:00. which is totally a big deal, cuz since summer started, i stayed in bed till about 4. and i didnt today. i got up and watched Greek(loooooove that show so much) and talked to Justin(loooooooooove him so much-ha). then i went to the dentist. nothing too exciting there. i mean, its the dentist. im not gonna be like, “OMG! i had a life changing experiance today!”  and you arent gonna say, “oh ya, where?” me, “I WENT TO…..THE DENTIST”.
i dont know…dont ask. im wayy in a weird mood right now.lol. so after that, Anja came over. that was pretty cool. we just hung out && stuff. and Justin stopped by.( Have i ever said how much i adore him?! well i do.) that was interesting. lol. what else…

oh.
right.
im so pissed off about something right now. its hard to explain. but for girls camp, there are 5 years. year1, year2, year3, year4, YCL. well i have only gone once, since i was in florida visiting my dad for the other years. all the girls my age are 4th years. and i was gonna have to be a third. Cuz they counted last years trek for one year of girls camp. so i was soposed to be  a 3rd year. But they made an exception and said i could go as a fourth year, and just certify as both. so i was going to go backpacking on monday-tuesday. and i was sooooo excited. cuz i love camping and stuff, and ive never been backpacking. well my leader came to me today and told me that im going as a YCL. which means i dont get to certify as a 3rd or a 4th. im a leader. and i dont get to go backpacking. and i am really really upset. like, almost in tears-wow, thats dramatic. and pissed. GAH. whatever.

so yeah.i leave tomorrow for my engineering camp. it should be fun.

now for my daily dose on Justin:
i know it is probably really stupid of me to say, but i really can picture myself being with him in the future. like, honestly. and if i had one wish, id be that we stay together. i know i have said this over and over, but i have NEVER been so happy with anyone in my life. when im with him, i can not stop smiling, and sadly, i am always trying to not be happy. i have this weird…i dont know…phobia, maybe, that if i let myself be happy that i will get hurt worse… i dont know. But yeah, when im with him, i want the moment to never end. and whenever he says something sweet, it replays over and over in my head for hours, so i keep smiling. and when im not with him, i am either 1-thinking about him 2-talking about him or 3-wishing i was with him. He is hands down the best boyfriend i have ever had, and i hope there wont be one after him. Cuz i hope there is no ‘after him’. he is my best friend and the love of my life.

My best friend list:
1-Justin, of course.
2-April
3-Mandie
4-Anja
5-Dom
6-Conner
7-Ari and Star
8-Danielle
9-100,000,000……everyone else.
lol.
i love you all.

Song of the day:  Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games  –Of Montreal

[i.l.y]

AubreySkye

So…i dont really have anything to say today. I guess it is kinda going to balance out the really long post yesterday. Basically, i had to get up early to go to a meeting with my bishop. apparently he was worried about my state of morality–who knew?

I had to work the night shift-Amanda called in-again. Pretty much sucked.

Uh…

nothing really else to say.

i miss justin. but thats not really anything new.
uhh…yeah. sorry, thats all you get today.

Song of the day:  Guilty Pleasures –Cobra Starship

[i.l.y]

AubreySkye

So i have a lot of things to write about today, but i know i am going to forget most of them while i write. So its probly going to end up being short.

First off, i had to go shopping with my family this morning. We went to Old Navy and Ross. And i got wayy depressed. For two reasons. 1] i lost my lipgloss. Which was really really sad. my amazing $8.oo lipgloss that i bought at Victoria Secret.[omg. off topic story. so i was in Victoria Secret--and i got a job offer. Friggin weird. I was like being all nice to the lady who was ringing my stuff up, and she gave me her name, and was like, if you apply for a job here, and give them my name, you will get hired on the spot. It was funny. But i get paid more at Panda, and i dont drive. AND....i honestly think id be awkward. "Hey, Aubrey! Where do you work?"...end of off topic story] It was mint flavored. and i loved it. almost more than i love justin. JUST KIDDING. [no where near, baby.] but yea. i lost it. and im sad. now my second reason why i got depressed while shopping: being reminded of how fat i am. Like, i already knew i was fat. i mean, if someone is fat, they are gonna know it right? yeah, well i was trying on pants…and omg. i was sitting in the dressing room crying. Cuz i couldnt get the stupid jeans over my fat ass. so i just sad there crying. i am officially becoming anorexic. like…NOW.

Work was….well, work. I was really dreading working today, and i really didnt think i was gonna make it through the day. And then Justin came in, and turned my whole day around. Every day that i get to see him is like a miracle. Isnt that amazing? Living everyday as if it was a miracle. cute. i like it. lol. but yeah, even though i only got to see him for like five minutes, it saved me. =D. god, i love him.

I absolutely hate drama. And i have had a drama free year. Until i started hanging out with Justin. [No offense baby.] Its like, ive known April and Johnny for a lot longer than any of the other people. and so its more comfortable for me to be friends with them. AND, i dont hate people just cuz other people do. So if Justin hated someone with a passion, i am not gonna hate that person too. Unless someone does something to me, personally, to make me hate them, i wont. Which puts me in a really really awkward and crappy position. Since Justin and Brandon basically hate April and Johnny. cuz i am put in the middle of everything. and everyone is always like, “Aubrey told me….”. And tonight, with all the drama, i was literally bawling. cuz johnny and april were yelling at me for telling Justin and Brandon something, and ugh, it was just so friggin stressful. –i feel PMS-y today, i just realized. im not, but first, i cried cuz i couldnt fit into pants, then i cried over this…lol–anyway…yeah, it was really hard.

Okay, im going to warn you. This is hard for me to talk about…but here it goes..
So for a while in my life, i would tell everyone about my life. i dont know why, but i just didnt think there was anything i should keep to myself. So i would tell EVERYONE everything. I guess i thought that if i was open about everything, people would trust me more, with their problems and stuff. Well, it kind of backfired. Basically, everyone turned away from me. they said, “we know you are lying. No one in the world has that much shit wrong in their lives.” and they wouldnt talk to me, because they thought i was making stuff up for attention. [Dont get me wrong, i dont want people to pity me, and i KNOW most people have it worse off than me. just to let you all know.] So ever since then, i havent really told anyone about my life. My histoy, or my feelings, or anything. i basically keep EVERYTHING to myself. And i everyone tells me how unhealthy that is. Which is why i started blogging. And its helped me a lot. And now, its getting hard again, because im in love. and i want to share everything with Justin. im just really really scared that he is going to feel the same way my old friends did. Like, i want to share everything with him, but i dont want to scare him away…i dont know.

OMG. okay, so next up: Haters. Seriously. i freaking HATE it when people talk about me behind my back. i cant stand it. it makes me wanna kill someone. And when people who dont even know me talk crap about me…it just…grr. Like today, i got a message on myspace from some random person i didnt even know and it was like..”you are that one girl who did that one thing”…the day no one talks about anyone else behind their back will be the day the world ends. And i hate it even more when people are jealous. Im not saying that i have anything for people to be jealous of, well, wait, thats a lie. I do have something everyone should be jealous of: Justin. Girls should be jealous because i have the most amazing boyfriend ever. and guys should be jealous that i am so in love. But anyway, i hate it when people are jealous, and they try to ruin things. Just stop talking crap. omg. its so dumb, and dramatic, and immature…GAH. i want to kill people. If you have a problem with me, talk to ME. not everyone else.

Okay, well im sure you are pretty sick of reading by now. Ha, you probly stopped reading a long time ago. but thats okay. lol. More tomorrow hopefully.

Song of the day: Alone I Fall–Dmanufacture

[i.l.y]

AubreySkye

Im sure that anyone with a job would agree that there are some really stupid people that come in to their work.
Like the people who came into mine yesterday. It makes you think how people could be so friggin retarded. So we closed at 9:30. It was about 10:15. We had the lights outside off, the lights inside dimmed, and we had music blasting, as we were cleaning, getting ready to lock up. Well this group of about 6 people came in, stared at the steam table for a few seconds, turned to me, and said, “When are you gonna have more rice out?” i was like, “um, we are closed.” one girl said, “i thought you closed at nine.” like, seriously. its freaking 10:15, and you thought we closed at nine, and you are here?! so i said, “We closed at 9:30. Sorry.” And the girl said, “okay.” and they started to walk out, and one of the guys said, “So, are they not making any more rice?” FRIGGIN IDIOTS. Why are people so stupid. Seriously. I just dont understand how people can be that dumb. Enlighten me, please. The human race has turned into these people. Stupid. More than half the US is made up of high-school drop outs. I think that is the stupidest thing anyone could EVER do. Why would you willingly throw your entire life away? Unless your life goal is to be a greeter at WalMart, which im sure, no one has that life goal. its like, “yay, minimum wage all my life, IF, that is, i actually get a job.” UGH. i cant even explain the…disgust, i feel for the people who do drop out.

Anyways…

Work was good. I closed with Pedro, he is always fun. Makes me feel a little better about wasting a friday night. lol. But i did get paid today too, so thats good.

Hmm…

Okay, okay. Someone has been nagging me to write about this. But Im not sure if i want to blog it. Because it is probly just me being the usual paranoid person that i am. I dunno. im not even sure where to start with this…Basically, people are talking, saying that Justin is only with me for sex. Im not sure if i believe that or not. I dont think i do, but those people DO know him better than i do. It kinda scares me though. Cuz a friend told me, “if you go four days without having sex, he will dump you.” And i SOOO do not want to believe that. I dunno. AGAIN WITH ME BEING PARANOID.
AUBREYSKYE, STOP BEING PARANOID.
…nope, didnt work.

Hmm… i know there was something else i was gonna say…
i dont remember.

Song of the day: Good Enough  –Evanescence

[i.l.y]

AubreySkye

I gotta work the closing shift tonight–bleh. and i am actually really tired right now…

But wow. I am kind of amazed-still-at how good of a mood i have been in lately. I have never stayed in this good of a mood for this long. Cuz everytime i had something long enough for me to realize that i loved it, and it make me happy, it was gone. Everytime…

Justin and i were talking yesterday about how insecure we used to be/are with our bodies. And it got on the topic of how i dont think i am worthy for any guy to like, or date or any of the above. Its like…i know that guys like Justin could do so much better than me. Its kinda like I am used to having bf’s who are either: 1) idiots, 2) abusive or 3) just scary. And i have been through so much stuff, that i feel like i cant be that happy all the time. im not even sure how to explain this. Its like, i can see how amazing Justin is, and it makes me feel worse. Like i can never measure up. Like i should be SO much better of a girlfriend than i am now. People keep telling me that i am a pushover because i am trying so hard. and they keep telling me that its not worth it, cuz i am gonna end up getting hurt. but–listen to this–I DONT CARE. I dont care if i get hurt anymore. because i am in love with him. and i am not gonna spend all this time stressing about the stupid stuff other people say.

Work was….well, work. Nothing really more to say about that.

Hmm…..I think thats all for today. I am not really in the mood to write. Im not in a bad mood, just not in a writing mood.

Song of the day:  Better than drugs –Skillet

[i.l.y]

AubreySkye

Sorry i didnt post yesterday. i didnt really have that much time. i went to the party and then i went to work.

The party was a ton of fun. We got kicked out of the mall. that is gonna make for a good story later…umm…..Audra caught me and Justin making out in the back of the limo. More fun stories.

But onto today…

yeah. so pretty much it was a good day. well…kinda.

Last day of school. That was pretty awesome. Not much to say about that.

April is over at my house spending the night. We were totally having a freakin awesome time. and then…well, stupid stuff happened…I mean, i can totally see who is at fault in this situation. All three of us. Me, Justin, and April. Im not giving details on this story, for a reason. No, there were no illegal activities. –well, maybe th…no, nothing. Its just that i dont want to cause drama. And in these blogs, i can talk about myself, and how i feel, and what i do as much as i want, but when it involves other people, i cant give much if it away, you know? But i feel like crap about what happened. I really get upset when my friends are mad, and i am on the verge of tears right now, and i dont know what to do. I have tried everything. And i…i just dont know. Someone help me….

Song of the day:   Only One –Yellowcard

night everyone

AubreySkye

So today was a wayy fun day. It totally coulda been better, but yeah. it was pretty good. School was just school, and home was just home. I went over to April’s and hung out there for a while. Then when we were walking to Spalding to meet up with Johnny, we saw Justin and Brandon. April wasnt very happy to see them, but i was! I seriously thought he was wayyy mad at me for hanging out with April, and it scared the crap out of me, the way he was looking at me, but it totally all got figured out. I really hope i can go to that party tomorrow. Not sure how to act there though. Probably going to result in a really awkward situation. But being with Justin is worth any amount of awkwardness. I seriously think i would do anything for him. And that scares me. Because i know that i am giving him the ability to hurt me. and i have been hurt so much in the past that it is hard to think that he wont. and even though i try really really hard to make myself believe that he wont hurt me, deep inside, i still think he will. But i really do love him. And it is soooo hard, because i am trying to make myself be the best girlfriend in the world, cuz i dont want him to EVER regret anything. I dont want him to feel like he could do better than me–even though i know he could. I dont want to lose him. and im always afraid i will do something stupid enough to lose him.

I always say how i dont want people to change to make me happy. and i stand true to that. I love Justin for who he is. And i dont want him to change anything to make me happy. cuz i am happy now. if that makes any sense. But it does kinda scare me sometimes, when he gets drunk and stuff, cuz im always afraid something is gonna happen when he has alchohol or drug-restricted thought processes. i mean, i want him to do whatever he wants, and i want him to be happy…but i just dont want to set myself up to get hurt…
i dont even know how to explain that…

anyways…

I found out today that i am not allowed to hang out with anja. Apparently my parents have some ‘trigger names’, meaning that if they hear the person’s name, they will automatically tell me i am not allowed to hang out with them. I guess Anja is one of them. They apparently associate her name with Somer and Savannah.

I felt really bad when i didnt go with Justin and Brandon to Natalie’s (spelling?). i really wanted to go. But i really dont want to get in trouble with my parents right now. Meeting her is not worth being sent away. I really dont think anyone realizes how it is when i get into trouble. Like…if i get a B, it is serious enough for my parents to put me into foster care. that is way exxagerating, but it really is bad. And it would suck worse then. If during the summer i wasnt allowed to hang out with anyone.  I just wish i could explain things better.

I just found out that no one showed up to Mandie’s party. I feel really bad for her, cuz i know how that feels. I have the worst party story ever. So i know how it feels. I wish there was something i could do.

Song of the day: Bitch –Meridith Brooks

[i.l.y]

AubreySkye

Overall, today was a pretty good day. I didnt get to talk to justin at all, and i miss him, but i will see him tomorrow. It kinda sucks tho,  cant go to this party on tuesday with him. well, maybe i can. i dunno. but anyways…

This morning Mandie came and picked me up and we hung out for a while, since i couldnt go to her party.  That was pretty awesome. i lover her family. lol. which is funny, cuz i dont think she likes them that much….but im sure it is different if you are living with them.

Wow–do i have something to say about last night. Last night was kinda…bad, actually. I came home from graduation, and i asked my mom if i could go with Ari and Star to Dustan’s house. Dustan is their brother who just bought a new apartment yesterday. and we were gonna go over there and watch a movie. But my mom was like, “no, he is a f*** up, and you dont need to be around that.” well their whole family is amazing, and never gets mad, and is the ideal mormon family. and it hurt my feelings so much, because they are like my second family. but whatever. Then, i was on MSN talking to April. [Heres some background on this convo.] So there are like a ton of people who hang over by Justin and stuff, and i know that it means a lot to Justin whether his friends like me or not. So i have been trying my best to establish a friendship with his friends, to make him happy. And i have been trying really hard. Well, April and i used to be really good friends, so i have been trying to regain her trust and stuff, and become friends with her again. So yesterday, i was telling her secrets and stuff, and it got onto a topic about Johnny, another guy who hangs around over there. Well, Johnny and i had a fling once, and i was telling her about it, and she told him. And he flipped out and was screaming at me, and i was crying, cuz i thought that if he hated me, then all of Justin’s friends would hate me, and then that would completely ruin our relationship. And thats the last thing i wanna do. But everything got sorted out…i think.

best part of today: Hanging out with Mandie
worst part of today: Not getting to talk to Justin

Song of the day: Anything else but you –The Moldy Peaches

AubreySkye

I made a new blog because i am lazy. Honestly, thats why. Its because i didnt want to have to explain all of the stuff that i was going through, and i didnt want to explain why im suddenly over it. So im starting over.

Hi =DD
im Aubrey.
Aubrey Skye Grant.

I am 16. and i love life. most of the time. i have those days where i just wish i could completely erase it from memory, but then again, we all do. i fall for boys wayy easily, and sometimes when i say that i am over them, im really not. and i DO move on quickly, even with those that i am not completely over. I have honestly been in love twice. Once before. and once right now.

The two most important things in my life are: Music and Love. Music: I love expressing myself through music. I love listening to music, singing, playing music, writing music, etc. And i always live to find that one song that fits my mood, every second of every day. Lyrics that explain how i feel. And they show me that i am not alone. Love: and i dont mean just romantic love. i mean my friends too. my best friends right now… Mandie: i dont know where i would be without her. She has been the best friend anyone could ask for. And she helps me with anything and everything. Ari and Star: wow. i know i wouldnt be the same person if i didnt have these two in my life. They have been a family to me, and the older sisters i wish i had. of course, there are times that we drive eachother crazy, but like i said, we are like sisters–its bound to happen! Danielle: She is honestly the coolest person i have ever met in my life. I have never been so comfortable around anyone–ever. Life stories, that i have never told anyone seemed to fly out of my mouth the very first time we met. It sucks we dont get to hang out very often, but when we are together–well watch out, boys! Conner: i feel really bad about everything that happened between us. But he is the best friend anyone could ask for. He never gives up on , even when i wish he would, and he is always trying to make me feel good about myself. i dont think he realizes i am a lost cause. Dom: i totally look forward to getting online everyday, and talking to him about how my day went. and i love that he gives me advice, even though he thinks that it is bad advice. He, like Conner is always trying to make me feel good, and i love reading his blogs!!! Justin: aka. the love of my life. He means the world to me. which i think is really weird. Why? because we have only been going out since May 19th. And i have never been able to tell a guy i love them, and mean it, that early in a relationship before. But he is the most amazing guy i have ever met, and the best boyfriend i have ever had. He keeps a smile on my face, and never lets things get boring. He treats me like i actually mean something to him, and i like that. it does scare me, though. Because i know that once he realizes how amazing he is, he is going to leave me. but i am definitely trying to live life to the fullest, so while i have him, i will not worry. and i will remain happy, for the first time in my life.

i have a ton of other people who have made sigificant impacts on my life–good, and bad–and they know who they are.

i will try to write often.
but i dont know how well that will work…

Song of the day: You are the only one    –Maria Mena

AubreySkye